I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
