watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
