Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
