someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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