who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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