shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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