you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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