I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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