Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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