Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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