: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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