If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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