Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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