I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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