Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
