i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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