wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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