I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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