If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm always down for nudity.
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