Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
