i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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