the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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