Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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