OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Boobs speak an international language.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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