Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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