Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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