sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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