what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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