umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
