Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
