He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
