So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
