you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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