I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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