Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
