Ambien. No doubt about it.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
