Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
