he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
