Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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