I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
