Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
