I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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