apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Still dying that you shit outside
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
