I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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