I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
