I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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