She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I won the penis lottery.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
