i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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