Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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