i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
