The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
