I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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