Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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